Change and Loss in Military Life
It's happening again, and it stinks. This summer, a fellow military
family we've grown close to is moving away on military orders. It always seems
to happen that way, you meet these amazing, heaven-sent people that you enjoy
doing life with, but you only get them for a year before they must move, or you
move away. Losing these friends feels very much like losing family because they
become extended family. For military families, the feeling of isolation and the
grief of losing the people you build strong relationships with are a part of
the lifestyle, but so is learning to cope and adapt. There is a saying,
"no man is an island," because humanity's need for community is vital
for our mental health, and it betters our chances of survival.
Before becoming a military wife, my friends consisted of people I had
known since grade school, and my entire family lived within driving distance of
each other. If ever I broke down on the highway, I had various people I could
call to come to my aid. When I married my spouse and moved away, the
realization that all the people I felt fully supported by, who would come to my
rescue at the drop of a hat, were now thousands of miles away. I was a long way
away from California, and other than my husband when he wasn't out at sea, I
was all by my lonesome in South Carolina. To beat the feelings of isolation and
loneliness, I needed to make friends but making friends as an adult is not as
easy as it was in grade school, and it's even harder when you are the parent of
small children.
Psychological studies discuss why adults have a more
challenging time making friends than children do. According to an article on
Psychology Today, adults list varying reasons such as fear of rejection, lack of
trust, or lack of time. In my case, I would cite lack of trust due
to past experiences and the fear of knowing that any connection, however meaningful, would only be temporary because I would eventually have to move.
I'll admit that I was not intentional about making connections with people for
many years because I did not want to experience heartache when inevitably, one
of us would have to move. Despite how unhealthy this was for my mental health, I
got away with it for many years. I became very independent and self-reliant for
someone who grew up consistently in the care of someone else. I was not afraid to take long road trips
by myself to meet with friends and family at beach towns; I was fearless and
learned how to handle myself well. However, the fallout of not forming
meaningful connections with people was a massive hit on my mental health when I gave birth to my first
child. The ability to find and make friends with people I could trust was the
difference between staying out of a dark mental space or succumbing to it.
For the sake of my baby, I went and got help and worked my stuff out.
Part of the work I did was to accept that change is a part of life, and though change causes stress, I learned to trust myself to navigate changes and even the heartache of losing people. Accepting and trusting myself to handle change and loss allowed me to open my heart to people and I found that living a disconnected life without a community is not a way to live. I began to prioritize and make time to meet people at our following location; I put myself out there even if I came across awkwardly. I was so intentional about opening my heart to people that for my 30th birthday, my husband threw me a real party where we packed out our house with people I, still to this day, call friends.
What's interesting, is that during this season where I was intentionally building friendships and connections with people, my relationship with my
husband and my immediate family deepened. Also, I found my voice and used it to advocate for my children's needs in ways I felt
I couldn't before. Overall, I found purpose in being part of a community and being in relationship with people.
But predictably, we received orders to move across the nation far from this
beautiful community of friends we had made. Leaving was hard, and it came with a lot of tears, but the treasure of this season and the people in it will be in my heart and life forever.
The news of the move and moving itself was also very hard on my children, and learning to support them and help them cope was imminent. The Journal of Adolescent Health posted an article that shares that geographical moves affect the mental health of military children due to the massive changes they experience. Every two to four years, everything in the life of a military child changes; every geographical connection they know is left behind when they move away. Learning to address and mitigate these changes for our children is critical for their mental health. Thankfully today, we have social media, which makes it easier to connect with other military families and find resources before you even arrive at your new location. To help my children navigate the stress of the onslaught of changes they face, I validate their concerns and feelings and then give them hope about the possibilities awaiting us at our new location. A new location means new favorite places we have yet to discover and new friends we have yet to make.
Before arriving at my current location here in Florida, I was able to connect with an awesome local realtor who helped us find a house quickly, and I made social media friends with local families who stood ready to help my family and I adjust to our new location. My friend, the one who I said is moving, recommended me to our school and helped me figure out the enrollment process and find scholarships to apply to. Her children, very much like my friend, helped my children feel welcomed and helped them transition nicely into their classrooms. After 15 years of being a military spouse, it's become apparent that military spouses and their children have a commonality; we make it intentional to live with open hearts despite the losses; because it's how we survive. We've stopped fighting the change; instead, we embrace it and find ways to make others feel embraced because community is everything.
The truth is change happens for everyone, not just for military families. Change is out of our control and though it can be scary, it is a healthy thing. Healthy things evolve, and if they don't, they die. One of my favorite parts of the moving process is when I start purging my house of all the stuff I collected throughout the years. After being in one location for a couple years, it’s necessary to let go of the things that won't serve us well at our following location. Like geographical moves, sometimes the changes that life brings, asks that we let go of things, people, and even ideas so that we can move forward feeling lighter. Change and moving forward can hurt sometimes, but we can choose to learn from our experiences, let go of the things that didn't serve us well, and move on with the things that did.
So, this summer, my heart will ache when I say goodbye to my friend who is moving away. Being her friend and watching her step in to fill people’s needs highlighted to me even more the beauty and gift of having a community. I’ll miss her, but more than anything, I'll be grateful that I got to know and be her friend.
References:
Bockarova Ph.D, Mariana. "Making Adult
Friends Is Hard: Here Are 40 Reasons Why". Psychology Today,
2022, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202103/making-adult-friends-is-hard-here-are-40-reasons-why.
Millegan J, McLay R, Engel C. The effect of geographic moves on mental healthcare utilization in children. J Adolesc Health. 2014 Aug;55(2):276-80. DOI: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2014.01.009. Epub 2014 Mar 17. PMID: 24650886.
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