ANGER SWEETENED
What we don't forget is what we don't say.
I mourn the leaps of anger covered
by quizzical looks, grasshoppers covered
by coagulating chocolate. Each word,
like a leggy thing that would have sprung away,
we caught and candified so it would stay
spindly and alarmed, poised in our presence,
dead, but in the shape of its old essence.
We must eat them now. We must eat the words
we should have let go but preserved, thinking
to hide them. They were as small as insects blinking
in our hands, but now they are stiff and shirred
with sweet to twice their size, so what we gagged
will gag us now that we are so enraged.
By Molly Peacock
The words of this poem came to my mind while I cried at the gas pump after storming out of my doctor's office. Usually, I am not one to cause a scene or stir up trouble at any public place; quite the opposite, I rather swallow my anger and hurt instead of speaking up. I usually console myself by making excuses for people by telling myself things like, "it's okay, I can take it, they didn't mean it. They were probably having a bad day, or they are overwhelmed. I am not perfect either, so..." and then I strive to move on. But, last week, it wasn't just the staff at the doctor's office; I was facing several situations in my life where speaking up and laying down some boundaries was necessary. But having to speak up was causing me all sorts of anxiety and fear because I didn't want to cause trouble or be disliked, and then, I felt anger.
The anger I felt was very much much like, well, have you ever gotten into an argument or heated debate and then later, much later, you replay it in your mind, and you think, "I should have responded like this.." Well, that's what was happening to me, and I was mad because had I realized that though I'd like to think of myself as an empowered woman, I still turn into such a chicken when I need to speak up for myself. The anger I feel about speaking up is twofold for me. On the one side, I get angry at myself for feeling like such a chicken about it, and on the other side, I get mad at myself for not doing so in the past. These emotions all made the words from Peacock's poem come to life for me, but then I realized that if women are writing poetry about "swallowing words," I must not be alone in this experience.
So, why is it that women are having trouble with speaking up, and is trouble speaking up a gender-specific issue? Many before me have also asked this question resulting in a lot of literature and studies that have been conducted to evaluate why women tend to shut down in professional spaces and in social circles despite being qualified and empowered. Most studies concur and find a common theme (or at least some variation of the same theme) on how women seem to be conditioned to put on behaviors or wear masks for certain people and in specific places (Degges-White PH.D.). The masks women wear in professional spaces and relationships might be connected to the backlash they experience when they speak up, and the confusing messaging women receive about speaking up. For example, women are told to speak up but not show too much emotion or anger because they will be labeled as difficult or emotional. Or, in some cases, the fear of speaking up about mistreatment in a relationship may be due to the fear that it will end the relationship altogether.
Interestingly, the fear of loss keeps men and women equally from speaking up in professional spaces. According to a Harvard Business Review article, men also struggle with speaking up, especially when earning potential and position are at stake. The article by the Harvard Business Review states that women struggle more than men when they need to negotiate for themselves, but men struggle to speak their minds and point out things that could better the work environment. Men fail to speak out on how things could be improved because they fear losing their position or being passed over for promotion if they go against the grain. Though the area where men and women struggle to speak up is different, according to the data, the struggle shows to be equal in number for both men and women. So how do we square up to face the fear? How do we remove the masks we wear and grapple with the reality of what we find when the mask is gone, and our authentic selves are exposed.
A few days after storming out of my doctor's office, I started to peel away the masks I wear in the spaces I occupy. I realized that I needed to validate my feelings to approach laying down boundaries healthily. Brushing off disrespect by telling myself, "I can handle it," was not kind to me. Also, I had to stop making excuses for people; my imperfections are not valid excuses for others to hurt or overstep my boundaries. These were the thoughts I was having after my crying at the gas pump incident, but it took me seeing it in black and white to fully understand it deep in my heart. Social media has its evils, but on the day I saw this post from a friend, it was a tool for the greater good in my life, and it applied like a balm to my wounded heart.
My friend Samele's post included a picture with a, oh so fitting mug that reads, "You are my Sunshine," encouraged me with the following: "Don't know who needs to hear this, but you don't have to be perfect to NOT deserve mistreatment. I have found myself lately…when talking about some thing that happened (I could pick a number of things) and then saying “I mean, I’m not perfect but…” as if I have to acknowledge my flaws to justify why that behavior was hurtful to me or it’s like an insinuation that if I did something “better” maybe that wouldn’t have happened. It happened and it just was/is hurtful. That’s all."
After reading Samele's post, I understood that speaking up is a way of valuing myself. I then asked myself how meaningful the situation/relationship was to me and how I wanted to exist in that space and concluded that honoring others along with honoring myself is important to me. I value authenticity in others and consider it an honor to hold space for those I care for, but I also need to honor myself by being authentic in every space I occupy. Loving myself and loving others is a symbiotic relationship; I cannot love others well if I can not love myself well. So, taking off my mask is not only a gift to myself but a gift to those with who I am in a relationship with. Whatever losses I acquire from authentically communicating when I feel hurt and addressing when boundaries have been crossed, I'll take because accepting mistreatment to avoid losses means I am already losing.
With this newfound understanding, I gathered courage and made the calls I needed to make, and I said what I needed to say. My voice trembled a little, but I heard myself say the things I had in my heart. After the conversation, I felt lighter, stronger, and empowered. Thankfully the response on the other side of the conversation was good; no losses, only gains because we moved forward with mutual understanding. This proved that speaking up does not always lead to losing something; it can often lead to gaining more camaraderie in relationships.
In addition to having that conversation, I took the time to acknowledge those triggers from the past. The one that made me say, "I should have said or done..."; this specific situation, I have been carrying with me for a while, and as much as I tried to stuff it down, it came to remind me of how I failed myself back then. This time, I didn't stuff it down or try to explain it away; instead, I validated those feelings forgave myself for not speaking up back then. Then I released it because, honey, who I was in my 20's, is not who I am today. Today, I have found my voice, it may shake a little, but I've learned how to use it.
Lastly, my doctor…. That's a conversation I'll have to grapple with soon.
References
Degges-White PH.D., Suzanne. "Why Are Some Women Still Afraid To Speak Up?". Psychology Today, 2017, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201703/why-are-some-women-still-afraid-speak.
Detert, James R. et al. "Women Are Afraid To Speak Up? Really?". Harvard Business Review, 2010, https://hbr.org/2010/06/women-speak-up-less-than-men-really.
Peacock, M. (2010). Poetry Friday: More Molly. More Wisdom and Wonder | Women's Voices For Change. Women's Voices For Change | Redefining Life After 40. Retrieved 16 March 2022, from https://womensvoicesforchange.org/poetry-friday-more-molly-more-wisdom-and-wonder.htm.
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